And The Winner For Best Classified Ad Is...

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Created: Saturday, 11 February 2012 13:51

Written by Matt

Did you ever find yourself reading the classified advertisement section of your favorite news publication or website? No? Neither have I, but after seeing this, I just may have to start.  Pictured below is Steve Thunderbolt.  He is the ex-frontman of some black/thrash/glam band and he wants you to know that he is mostly black/thrash and just a little big glam. He also is not a racist and is cool with drugs.. except heroin. He also wants you to know that what he is proposing to do, has only been attempted one other time in the history of music. Please read. It's worth it.

Ex-Mudslide Frontman the great Steve Thunderbolt seeks a talented bassist and drummer to form a new heavy metal band. I play rhythm and lead guitar and sing. I play thrash, black, and glam metal. The only band in the history of heavy metal who has ever attempted this was Celtic Frost. It failed because they were too much glam and not enough black and thrash metal. I am the other way around, in that I have more black and thrash metal songs than I do glam songs, but I do have blonde hair so I have a glam image. I have a 12 track recorder and have made numerous cds for Mudslide including "Secret Right to Rock and Roll Reloaded," "Dragonfly of Passion," "Hollywood and Vine," "Columbia City Theater Live," "Studio 7 Live," "The Central Saloon Live 1 and 2," "Station 56 Live," "Chai House Live," "Colortura," "Merkava," "Dark Prophet," and our last album, "In My Final Hours." I have a lot of gigging experience and have my own amps and equipment. Please be over 21 and under 45. Alcohol and drugs are fine except for heroin and crack, so if you are into heroin or crack please do not respond to this ad. All races are welcome except for blacks, so if you are black, pleae do not respond to this ad. I am not racist, it is a drug issue and a safety issue and I cannot have black people at my house. I live in Issaquah and use my house as a practice space. So if you wanna do something that's only been attempted once before in the entire history of music, email  This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.  or call 425-306-9353. Belive me, where Celtic Frost failed, I will succeed.

If you read nothing else, read the bolded text above.  He clearly does not give a shit about things.  He is also a racist. Someone missed the point of February. You are welcome.

[via metalsucks]

UPDATE: Tuba Theft Continues in Southern California

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Created: Wednesday, 08 February 2012 18:53

Written by Joe

Back on December 13, 2011 I covered a story about tuba theft and how it was at an all-time high in California. Here we are 2 months later and unfortunately the tuba thieves are showing no signs of stopping.

Last week 2 more tubas were stolen at Bell High School in Southern California. These tubas, properly referred to as sousaphones, were of the King Brass variety and mainly used in marching bands. Each tuba is said to have a street value of around $6,000.

This is big time stuff. Just look at how many tubas/instruments have been stolen over the past few months in Southern California alone:

• Jordan and Huntington Park high schools have had ALL of their tubas stolen
• Compton's Centennial high school has lost 8 tubas in Octoboer of 2011
• Sycamore Junior High School lost ALL of its instruments, including tubas, a combined value of $25,000
• Mira Costa high school had 4 tubas stolen, a combined value of $20,000

Instructors have connected the rash of thefts to the popularity of banda, a dance music played with marching band instruments and anchored by tubas.

With the surge in banda’s popularity, tuba players have become sought-after and are paid more than -– sometimes even double -– what other banda musicians earn.

So hide yo kids, hide yo wives, and hide yo sousaphone because the tuba thieves are coming to get you!

[via LA Times]

Big Boobies Make DUI Tests Harder

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Created: Friday, 03 February 2012 17:30

Written by Joe

In full disclosure of this article, I do not have big, pendulous breasts. Maureen Raymond, on the other hand, does. I know this because she was arrested the other day on a DUI charge and it says so in the affidavit that was filed with it.

During one of the tests, Maureen Raymond, 49, told a Martin County Sheriff's deputy she couldn't follow his instructions, saying "hell no not with these . . . not with her big boobies," an arrest affidavit states.

An assisting officer came to the scene to lend a hand. When he arrived, Maureen went out of her way to tell the officer that he needed to understand that she was big chested, and that makes some of the tests hard.

"I asked her if she wanted to attempt the task and she stated if I hold her hand," an affidavit states. "I asked her again if she would like to attempt the task and she stated not really because she has big breasts."

This big boobie defense might have worked had she not started dancing during one of the tests.

[via WPTV.com]

900 Pound Rabid Cow Attacks Farmer

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Created: Friday, 03 February 2012 17:12

Written by Joe

Location: Maysville, Georgia

Everybody has heard of Mad Cow Disease. I don't know what it is, but I image it makes a cow mad. This particular 900 cow didn't have mad cow disease, merely rabies. Despite this, it still was pissed off enough to attack Raymond Parks, a 70 year old farmer.

Raymond says the cow charged at him and headbutted him. This knocked him into a barbed wire fence and broke a few of his ribs. He was able to collect himself, get his shotgun, and fire 3 rounds into the cow.

Not surprisingly, Raymond says this incident has made him consider retiring from farming. The moral of this story is only go near cows if they are packaged neatly in a meat locker.

[via WRCBtv.com]

Ultimate National Anthem Fail

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Created: Saturday, 28 January 2012 17:45

Written by Joe

This past week Steven Tyler sang the National Anthem before the Patriots - Ravens football game. Some people said it was the worst rendition they ever heard. Others said it was merely average. Personally, I don't think Steven did that bad. At least when compared to Carl Lewis.

It is not possible to sing the national anthem worse than Carl Lewis did. He even threw in an "Uhhh Ohhh" for good measure.

[via some jabroni I know on facebook...]