Review: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, more like SkyDong
- Details
- Created: Thursday, 15 March 2012 11:55
- Written by Joe
Skyrim is the 5th installment of the very popular Elder Scrolls series that is available on the XBox 360, Playstation 3, and the PC. It saw huge sales this past holiday season and was dubbed a can't miss game by most major gaming publications. Here are how some of them reviewed it:
I purchased Skyrim based on these positive reviews, having never played games 1 thru 4 in the series. After playing Skyrim for roughly 2 total hours, only PC Mag got their review somewhat right. They reviewed it "Thumbs Up". I'll expand on that and review it "2 Thumbs Up the Pooper".
This game blows. Let me explain.
Right off the bat you need to select and design your character. You have a ton of characters to pick from but for someone new to the series like me, I had no clue what the hell any of them were. I picked based solely on appearance. This process alone took me 30 minutes.
Once you finally pick your character and get him configured, you are treated to a 15 minute horse and buggy ride to kick off the game. You could not have a more boring way to start the game.
Finally some beast appears and sets you free just as you are about to be beheaded and that's when the real dongfest begins and you are introduced to the camera controls.
I'm used to games where when you move your character on direction, the camera automatically follows you. What I mean is, when I'm running around and I turn left, I want the camera to automatically turn left. I don't want to have to turn my guy left AND move the camera left at the same time. That's fucking stupid. That's exactly what you have to do in Skyrim.
I was able to do this as long as I wasn't fighting anyone. When I had to fight someone it was a different story. I set the difficulty on novice and couldn't kill shit. I am not capable of controlling my guy, the camera, and sword all at the same time. This game will now join Modern Warefare 3 on my shelve of games that I will never play again because I suck at them.
This game fucking blows. Skyrim... pfft... More like SkyDong.
I rate this game 0 dongs on a scale of 0-10.
